Afraid of Falling in Love
I believe that many people are afraid of falling in love. It’s one thing I’m terrified of. I have a perfectly good explanation of this fear because I have been hurt repeatedly in the past. Which has bruised and guarded my heart for any emotion that I have ever felt for anyone else since then. I know the reasons why I’m so afraid of moving forward with someone is because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to take the risk of getting my heart broken again. So I take the easy route, play it safe, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself. In order to not put myself out there for fear of rejection. I know this is no healthy way to live and the relationship I am in now scares the living shit out of me. I can feel myself falling in love. I don’t really know what to do with these feelings. And I definitely don’t want to express these feelings to him. But isn’t that what I’m afraid of? What if the feeling isn’t reciprocated? Isn’t that part of the fear of letting yourself go. Being confident enough to tell someone your falling in love with them but you can’t really explain why. Strong feelings are taking over me, consuming my every thought. I can feel myself developing feelings for him that I have fought so hard to push back.
It’s turns out this has hurt me more than helped me. Blocking my heart from any source of feeling has given me an ultimatum. One that I might not be able to fix. I am now afraid of not being able to adequately express my feelings in the first stretch of love with this person. I fear that what I’m giving right now is not enough. I know I will have to break down the wall on my heart and face the fear of emotion and let this person in all the way. First step is feeling comfortable which then eludes the fear from it.
Everyone has been hurt atleast once in their lifetime. And if you haven’t? Well.. You can call yourself lucky. Some people move on easier and some people can open up their heart again. It all depends on the individual. If the other person acknowledges that your trying to let them in, then your getting somewhere. This is the point I am at in the relationship I am in now. He wants more from me on an emotional level, he wants me to tell the truth about what I’m feeling. Instead of lying or ignoring these feelings. I know what I’m feeling, like I said I’m falling in love. But when it comes down to it, I can easily write it down on paper. I can easily describe why I love him to someone else. But straight to his face. Right now? I don’t know if I can do that. It almost makes me feel like I’m a coward. If I can’t tell the person that I’m falling in love with them. Then is it even really real? It’s not easy to just blurt out that you love someone. Is it?
Next step is trying to figure out what the other person is actually thinking. Anxiety has now manifested inside my heart . My mind plays through everything that can go wrong if I decide to play any part of this emotional game of breaking down the wall I’ve put up. What if I get hurt all over again?
Right now I need to decide if telling him I love him is worth the risk. It might be cliche to say that I never wanna get my heart broken again in life. And I am truly terrified that it will happen. This feeling called love, I’m afraid of it.