Why is it easier for me to write about something, anything when I am sad or unhappy? My best thoughts come out when I am at my lowest. That’s when I do the most thinking about life, love and the future.
I go through stages at times, where I am really sad or extremely happy. It changes, different time periods and for different reasons. But when I’m in the “happy state”, like I am now. I feel like I can’t write. I believe that I can’t express my thoughts as well as I can when I am miserable.
A lot of people probably won’t understand this, but I was wondering if it happens to anyone else.
When I think too much or when something’s on my mind. It helps for me to express myself better in written words, so I ramble on here with my iPhone as I type away frantically to ensure that I get every thought down.
I am in no way perfect and I am not at all whatsoever a writer. I just enjoy the fact that I can write about whatever is on my mind at any moment.
These posts are little tidbits of my hopes and dreams, my everyday thoughts. And any form of me staying excellent through life and love. Enjoy 🙂
So I am in a relationship to the point where I honestly don’t know what is going on between us. We have loved each other once before and then it ended. But we both never really moved on and now we are at it again. We talk the same, we do the same things and we enjoy each others company just as much as we did before. The only difference is that we don’t see each other as much. I’m not really sure why? Maybe it’s because this is some what casual again. Personally, I don’t really think there should be a difference between “seeing each other” and “dating”. Because really, what difference does it make if you know you wanna be with each other? So thats what I want. I want to be together. I don’t want to pretend anymore that were something that were not. I just want to be together and be happy. I am happier with him. So why not just make it official? This is what I’m having difficulty with, debating whether or not I should bring up these feelings in a discussion. It’s hard confessing what you truly want. Number one: I don’t want to get hurt again. Number two: what if the person doesn’t feel the same way. You have to set yourself up for some kind of failure. I don’t want this person to just be another one, but I want them to be THE one.
I once asked my mom when she knew she wanted to marry my father. She told me that she new from the very first time she met him. She said she just knew, she couldn’t explain it. After their first date, my mother came home that night and told my grandma that she had met the man that she was going to marry one day.
I then proceeded to ask my mother more questions, how? Why? Don’t you have to fall in love first? And again, she responded and said that she just knew my father was “the one”. What does that even feel like!? Am I supposed to just sit around and wait till I meet this guy thats supposedly “the one” and that I’ll instantly know that I wanna marry him? No! I do not believe that it’s that easy. And for all the ones out there that have felt that same feeling as my mother before, well good for you. I’m glad it was that easy for you. But it has never been that easy for me, at least not that I can say. More or less it hasn’t happened yet. There is nothing worse than having that anxious feeling. Wondering if someone feels the same way about you. I don’t know if I’m getting the feeling mixed up with butterflies though, very difficult to tell. Maybe it is love again? And maybe it’s not, I guess I’ll just have to wait it out listen to my heart.
Does Anyone Else Think About This?
You know when somebody says something one time and it may seem really meaningful. But then your not really sure it they truly meant what they said. And then it can make things really confusing and you don’t know how to respond. Cause I know I’ve done this before. So I was wondering if other people have.
Have you ever said something before, almost as a plea, without it necessarily being true to change someone’s mind or to keep someone around?
You are secretly lying and everything your saying is bullshit. But you say it anyways cause you don’t want to lose the person.
Have you ever said something in the moment that you regret?
Cause I do it all the time. I have a hard time expressing myself. And most times it comes out sounding really awkward and stupid, that I almost immediately regret what I said. Sometimes it’s so hard to get out what you really want to say that you just can’t put words together. And maybe you just regret not even saying anything at all. I think that happens to me the most. Not saying what I really want to say and then regretting it later. You can’t really go back and change the moment. But there are so many times I wish I could have. So many times I wish I had the courage to say what I was actually thinking.
This evening I had a wonderful night with two of my most fantastic friends in the whole entire world and
of course I considered this an initial “girls night”. Then one of my girlfriends boyfriends asks “what is a girls night anyways? Do you guys talk about boys and then have pillow fights later on”. I found this comment highly amusing. One because there was some truth about it. We will probably talk about boys. And secondly because I really think girl bonding time has two aspects to it. There are two different types of girls nights that all boys need to understand, so I’m going to blog about them both so that boys can understand the difference a little better:
1. Girls night= Staying in
This typical girls night usually consists of us gossiping and chatting away. We may make food and probably munch on some junk food. We will converse non the less probably about boys, sex or other important things in our lives. Advice is exchanged as well as some good laughs and giggles. We will probably watch some overrated chick flick and enjoy it just as much as the first time we watched it together. This kind of night would be what I would refer to as a chill night. And every girl needs one of these every once and awhile.
2. Girls night = Going out
On thus typical girls night, we are getting bombed! We are getting dressed up up the nines in our party dresses and hitting the clubs. This girls night consists of dancing, letting loose having fun! I get wasted on these girls night, cause who else would you want more around than your best girl friends after youve had to many. You can always count on them!
(Not my best post, but something I had to clarify)
Afraid of Falling in Love
I believe that many people are afraid of falling in love. It’s one thing I’m terrified of. I have a perfectly good explanation of this fear because I have been hurt repeatedly in the past. Which has bruised and guarded my heart for any emotion that I have ever felt for anyone else since then. I know the reasons why I’m so afraid of moving forward with someone is because I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to take the risk of getting my heart broken again. So I take the easy route, play it safe, keep all my thoughts and feelings to myself. In order to not put myself out there for fear of rejection. I know this is no healthy way to live and the relationship I am in now scares the living shit out of me. I can feel myself falling in love. I don’t really know what to do with these feelings. And I definitely don’t want to express these feelings to him. But isn’t that what I’m afraid of? What if the feeling isn’t reciprocated? Isn’t that part of the fear of letting yourself go. Being confident enough to tell someone your falling in love with them but you can’t really explain why. Strong feelings are taking over me, consuming my every thought. I can feel myself developing feelings for him that I have fought so hard to push back.
It’s turns out this has hurt me more than helped me. Blocking my heart from any source of feeling has given me an ultimatum. One that I might not be able to fix. I am now afraid of not being able to adequately express my feelings in the first stretch of love with this person. I fear that what I’m giving right now is not enough. I know I will have to break down the wall on my heart and face the fear of emotion and let this person in all the way. First step is feeling comfortable which then eludes the fear from it.
Everyone has been hurt atleast once in their lifetime. And if you haven’t? Well.. You can call yourself lucky. Some people move on easier and some people can open up their heart again. It all depends on the individual. If the other person acknowledges that your trying to let them in, then your getting somewhere. This is the point I am at in the relationship I am in now. He wants more from me on an emotional level, he wants me to tell the truth about what I’m feeling. Instead of lying or ignoring these feelings. I know what I’m feeling, like I said I’m falling in love. But when it comes down to it, I can easily write it down on paper. I can easily describe why I love him to someone else. But straight to his face. Right now? I don’t know if I can do that. It almost makes me feel like I’m a coward. If I can’t tell the person that I’m falling in love with them. Then is it even really real? It’s not easy to just blurt out that you love someone. Is it?
Next step is trying to figure out what the other person is actually thinking. Anxiety has now manifested inside my heart . My mind plays through everything that can go wrong if I decide to play any part of this emotional game of breaking down the wall I’ve put up. What if I get hurt all over again?
Right now I need to decide if telling him I love him is worth the risk. It might be cliche to say that I never wanna get my heart broken again in life. And I am truly terrified that it will happen. This feeling called love, I’m afraid of it.
Okay so I am a girl, in my early 20s if you must know. And I have come to the realization that I do not know how to cook at all whatsoever! I have tried cooking dinner a couple of times and in my mind each appetizer and dinner plate that I have ever served has always been a success. But apparently not everyone agrees with me. As nice as some of my friends and previous boyfriends have been they’ve opted for keeping there mouths shut. Commenting that my cooking skills were excellent while they deliberately shoved burnt food in their mouths. There is a point to this post and I am about to get to it. There is a huge difference between cooking and baking. And today I learned that not only am I a bad cook. I’m also a horrible baker. I know I am not the best at either but I thought I’d share my experience of both cooking vs. baking. First off I’d like to say that I’d like to master cooking over baking, I am gonna swing that way. There are more plus’ to cooking than to baking. For instance, when you cook something, anything, you can experiment. There are so many variations of different recipes that you can play with in the kitchen to create your own culinary master dish. You can pretend to be on iron chef and design a whole new dish within an hour time frame, whether it was on purpose or not. There is no need for precise measuring when you cook things. You can tamper with a recipe so it is more suitable for your taste buds, according to the spices or in better terms amount of “salt” you use. Now today, I’ve realized that you can’t play around when your baking. You can’t experiment and change a part of the recipe. You can’t over measure or under measure and lastly make sure you have all the necessary ingredients before you start the entire baking process. It’s much harder making substitutions for other ingredients in the baking world. Overall I’d like to end with saying that I attempted to make chocolate chip cookies today. I googled “chocolate chip chewy cookies” and the results of my cookies were hardened rocks.
Quote on quote “These cookies will make for great paper weights” – anonymous. I will blog about a time when my cooking and baking were a success one day… But right now those skills are in working progress.